Risk the Ocean
It’s 11:35pm, Thursday March 10, 2011.
I have the song “Sometimes” on repeat. It’s written by David Crowder and it was released on the new Passion CD.
This song has hit me deeply. The opening lyrics say:
“Sometimes, everyone of us feels like we’ll never be healed, sometimes
Sometimes, everyone of us aches like we’ll never be saved, sometimes.”
This has been my life for years and years. My constant failures as a so called Christian. My mistakes as a friend, husband, father, son. All the opportunities that I robbed myself because of stupid decisions that I knew to be wrong. Continually turning my back on Christ… for years I lived with regret, sorrow, anger, hurt, despair, loneliness. I knew that I could be forgiven, I was pretty sure that I was forgiven… but I couldn’t forgive myself.
I wanted so deeply to be the man of God like those that I looked up to. I wanted to run wholeheartedly after Him, but I couldn’t because I knew I’d screw up again. So, for years and years I carried this shame, and disappointment in myself. Like Paul said, “why do I do that which I don’t want to do, and that which I want to do, I do not do?” This has been my life.
That was my life, until recently. I started reading a book entitled, “Crazy Love” by Francis Chan. I believe this was the beginning of God changing something inside of me. My eyes started to open to the true nature of God and his heart towards me. A couple weeks ago, strangely enough, it was the first Sunday in months and months that I wasn’t scheduled to play or participate in some way at church. I just had to show up and take it in… and I did.
At the end of the message there was a call to come for prayer for deliverance. I had an internal war raging inside of me to not go forward, I finally said “enough is enough, God this is it, I can’t do it anymore.”
It was the first time that I realized the true meaning of God’s grace. For the first time I realized I don’t need to carry the burdens of my past, the mistakes I’ve made. What Christ did on the cross, it took care of all of it, and it is paid for and I don’t need to dwell on that anymore, I can look forward to the future. I can now strive for more of God without the worry of the mistakes I have or will make.
Is this saying that the past couple weeks have been easy, my goodness no. They have been anything but. I’ve never felt such an attack on my spirit, but I’ve also never felt stronger. I’m at the point now where I don’t feel like I should, or have to do my devotions but it’s become a time where I can pour out my heart and feel like I’m actually getting to know God on a personal level.
This song continues to say:
“When we’ve given up, let Your healing come.
When there’s nothing left, let your healing come.
Til we’re rising up, let your healing come…
It’s your love that we adore, it’s like a sea without a shore,
Don’t be afraid, set your sail and risk the ocean, there’s only grace.”
I’ve set my sail, I’ll risk the ocean, there’s only grace.
“Worry implies that we don’t quite trust that God is big enough, powerful enough, or loving enough to take care of what’s happening in our lives.”Crazy Love by Francis Chan
Music
I love music, I always have. I think I have my mother to blame for that. Apparently from the very beginning of gracing the world with my presence, music has surrounded me. I don’t remember at any point in my life when I was completely consumed by a band or artist of some type.
There are a few constants in my life. Meaning, if you ask me what I’m currently listening too, chances are good if you guess U2, Dave Matthews Band you’ll be right. U2 has changed the face of music, and I will argue with anyone that they have had more of an impact on music than the Beatles (not a fan). Edge’s guitar playing, simple but profound and Bono’s writing… nothing like it. Then the DMB, my goodness. The ultimate jam band. Just a pleasure to listen too but to watch them play together is something entirely different.
However, as of late, I’ve been having a passion growing in me for music that is simple, true, and pure. I’ve been absolutley enthralled with bands like, Needtobreathe, Elbow, The Doves, The Black Keys. I can listen to them at any point and shut out the world and let time pass me by. Talented, not the norm, and just great music.
Currently though, Jon Foreman’s music (be it himself, Switchfoot or Fiction Family) has been feeding my soul. It is so refreshing to listen to music that cries out for God in ways that “worship music” just can’t.
All that to say this, I need to start to write. I can’t put into words this feeling that has been festering inside of me for the past year. I need to make music. More than just sitting down and putting some trite to a few chords, but music that tells my story. Music that I can actually call my own. Music that won’t add to the noise that is already out there, but catch someone’s ear who may be searching for what God has done for me and only my story could turn them towards Him. I want to have my music do for someone else what Jon Foreman’s music does for me. Makes me think about the world around me, cause’s me to question my own relationship with Christ and is it truly what He wants it to be?
I know how meaningless it is to say that I don’t care about money or fame because all musicians who love to sing in front of people are ego maniacs, but it’s true. I would love to just sit and play my music in a coffee house, pub or bar. That isn’t to say that if I all of a sudden hit the “big time” that I wouldn’t buy a house on a lake, turn it into a studio then head off to the nearest Porsche dealership, but that isn’t why I want to write. I need to write because I feel like a part of me is dying inside if I don’t.
So, where to start? How to being? What to say? Those are the questions for another day.
Home.
It is Monday, Nov 1. I have been home for 2 full days. I am slowly recovering from the 7hour time difference. I’m able to keep myself up until around 9:30/10pm now before I crash and I am now getting up around 6am, not so bad.
Saturday morning I woke up at approx 5:30am after collapsing 9hrs previously. My head was pounding but I soothed it with a cup of freshly roasted Ethiopian Coffee. I am so happy to be home. I couldn’t believe how much I missed my family until I finally got back from Ethiopia.
Things are now getting back to normal. I have lots of photos and video to go through, organize and edit. At least I can do all this from the comfort of my home.
I had an incredible time in Ethiopia, I was able to see so much more of the country than I would have thought, and let me tell you… all those ads in the late 80’s about a barren wasteland, lies lies lies. What I saw in Ethiopia was nothing short of breathtaking. My camera could not do justice the beauty of the landscape, the people, and the scenery.
I love Ethiopia, and I know that I will again be back there. I will finish here and give a more detailed account of the trip later.
Ciao,
Rob.
Travel
Finishing up the packing, going over the lists in my head of everything needed, getting the last of the iPod sync’s complete… I hate traveling, I always feel like I’m forgetting something.
Ethiopia
In 4 days I travel to the other side of the world with 2 good friends. We have no idea on what is in store for us. We are going to try and do some good and to help change lives in Ethiopia using what we love to do, photography and film.
We don’t know what the conditions will be when we get there. We have no idea how the stories will turn out. We have no idea if we’ll be allowed into the country with all of our equipment and gear. There are a lot of unknowns for us, it could end up just being a trip to drink the worlds best coffee.
Despite all the unknowns of our trip, I choose not to be worried, but excited. I’ve been wrestling with this for awhile now and just recently I heard a question, “Does it say anywhere in scripture that God ever worried?”, the answer is simple, no. So that being said, anytime a thought of worry or self doubt comes into play it’s fairly obvious where that thought is coming from.
Yes there are a lot of unknowns and for some amateur photographers, this trip could be a total bust, but there is nothing we can do about it. We have prepared as best we can. We are going to do the best that we can. We will go, work hard and use the skills and gifts we have been given to the best of our ability, and the rest of it is in God’s hands.
Worrying about everything will do only harm, not good. We have believed that God is asking us to do this, he has provided everything we need, and then some. So with that in mind, I trust and believe that everything will work out as He wants. Besides, this is His idea and His project, we’re just doing what we’re told.
I’m pretty sure that if I lived in Cali, I’d be friends with Jon Foreman.
iTunes 10
Anyone using “Ping” on iTunes yet, aside from Cody and Ryan?
Summer is Over
This is the last Friday for summer. The kids go back to school this coming Monday. It seems like only a couple weeks ago we were waiting for them to be done school so we could make our trip to New Brunswick. That was over in a flash, then a week of nothing followed by a week visit with some great friends from Edmonton. Summer has been rushing past us ever since.
I feel like it was wasted away and that we didn’t do enough, however, this is the first summer we’ve had where we were busy doing loads of stuff. It was a good summer, I’m sad to see it go.
I am, however, looking forward to the fall. As much as I feel bad for our Edmonton friends, where autumn lasts approx a weekend, I couldn’t believe what it was like here last year. I grew up with very similar seasons as a kid, but growing up you don’t take the time to notice them. Take it away and swap it with 10 years of 5 months of ridiculous cold and you’d forget too.
So, as another summer has come and gone and we plan for the fall, I’m glad I can look back and be happy that we didn’t waste our days of sun and warmth with mindless TV, video games and movies inside… that will happen when the first snowflake falls, which could be as late as the middle of December like last year :)
