Risk the Ocean
It’s 11:35pm, Thursday March 10, 2011.
I have the song “Sometimes” on repeat. It’s written by David Crowder and it was released on the new Passion CD.
This song has hit me deeply. The opening lyrics say:
“Sometimes, everyone of us feels like we’ll never be healed, sometimes
Sometimes, everyone of us aches like we’ll never be saved, sometimes.”
This has been my life for years and years. My constant failures as a so called Christian. My mistakes as a friend, husband, father, son. All the opportunities that I robbed myself because of stupid decisions that I knew to be wrong. Continually turning my back on Christ… for years I lived with regret, sorrow, anger, hurt, despair, loneliness. I knew that I could be forgiven, I was pretty sure that I was forgiven… but I couldn’t forgive myself.
I wanted so deeply to be the man of God like those that I looked up to. I wanted to run wholeheartedly after Him, but I couldn’t because I knew I’d screw up again. So, for years and years I carried this shame, and disappointment in myself. Like Paul said, “why do I do that which I don’t want to do, and that which I want to do, I do not do?” This has been my life.
That was my life, until recently. I started reading a book entitled, “Crazy Love” by Francis Chan. I believe this was the beginning of God changing something inside of me. My eyes started to open to the true nature of God and his heart towards me. A couple weeks ago, strangely enough, it was the first Sunday in months and months that I wasn’t scheduled to play or participate in some way at church. I just had to show up and take it in… and I did.
At the end of the message there was a call to come for prayer for deliverance. I had an internal war raging inside of me to not go forward, I finally said “enough is enough, God this is it, I can’t do it anymore.”
It was the first time that I realized the true meaning of God’s grace. For the first time I realized I don’t need to carry the burdens of my past, the mistakes I’ve made. What Christ did on the cross, it took care of all of it, and it is paid for and I don’t need to dwell on that anymore, I can look forward to the future. I can now strive for more of God without the worry of the mistakes I have or will make.
Is this saying that the past couple weeks have been easy, my goodness no. They have been anything but. I’ve never felt such an attack on my spirit, but I’ve also never felt stronger. I’m at the point now where I don’t feel like I should, or have to do my devotions but it’s become a time where I can pour out my heart and feel like I’m actually getting to know God on a personal level.
This song continues to say:
“When we’ve given up, let Your healing come.
When there’s nothing left, let your healing come.
Til we’re rising up, let your healing come…
It’s your love that we adore, it’s like a sea without a shore,
Don’t be afraid, set your sail and risk the ocean, there’s only grace.”
I’ve set my sail, I’ll risk the ocean, there’s only grace.
